The Official Heckler Handbook by Kevin Nelson

Author:Kevin Nelson [Nelson, Kevin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781493024520
Publisher: Lyons Press
Published: 2016-03-14T00:00:00+00:00

Rhymes with “itch,” and other favorite baseball expressions

There’s no crying in baseball,” Tom Hanks famously said in A League of Their Own. Maybe not. But there sure is a lot of swearing.

One of the all-time favorite swear words by players and the fans who heckle them is the one that rhymes with “itch.” It suggests weakness or servility in one team and mastery by the opposing team, such as this student sign from a school that was about to play the University of Michigan in football: LET’S MAKE MICHIGAN OUR B*TCHIGAN.

TV baseball commentator Pedro Martinez, once a star pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, had troubles when he faced New York. Consequently hecklers in the Bronx crudely called him their “b*tch.” Pedro brought still more ridicule onto himself when he told the media, “What can I say? I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy.” Every game after that Yankee fans would serenade him with chants of “Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?”

Hecklers drop F-bombs all the time, an offense that can get them tossed. Same with “a**hole.” “Balls,” a slang word for two valuable parts of the male anatomy, can make for lighter amusement. After a shortstop fielded a grounder and bounced his throw to first, a heckler yelled, “Hey, this is baseball. If I wanted to see bouncing balls, I’d be watching Magic Mike.” TV baseball analyst John Kruk was once a hard-hitting first baseman/outfielder for the Philadelphia Phillies. Diagnosed with testicular cancer, he underwent testicular surgery to stop the disease from spreading. Up at bat during a game, he took the first pitch and then stepped out of the box. “All right, John,” said a heckler, “you got one ball now.”

If hecklers would only clean up their acts, say some, they would be more entertaining and gain wider public acceptance. Tell that to Kevin Hart, Louis C. K., and other comedians who delight audiences by working blue. A joke that may not be funny when told clean can generate big laughs when peppered with some “f**ks” and “*itches.” (Of course, there are no kids around when they perform, and their delivery and material are far superior to your average rowdy heckler.)

If you’re a fan who is just trying to enjoy the game and some jerk near you insists on saying crude and disgusting things—which isn’t heckling; It’s just stupid—almost certainly you are not the only one who is unhappy. Tell the ushers and ask for him to be removed. If for some reason this cannot be done, ask to change seats or have your seats upgraded to a different section.

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